This is a public service announcement for all you bloodbags out there. You don't get zombies, okay? It gets really old, really fast seeing all the dumb myths you guys have about us. I mean, every zombie movie or video game shows us as stupid, shambling, really gross, and in these awful torn and filthy clothes. That might be okay for made-up stories, but it has nothing to do with the real-life zombies who live in Boston.
You're not even supposed to call us “zombies.” The proper term is “previously deceased human,” or PDH for short. Personally, I don't mind the word zombie. I think it sounds, you know, kinda edgy. What's important is that you understand what real zombies are like. So I'm here to debunk the four biggest myths about zombies. I'll start with the myth, and then I'll show why it's a load of crap.
1. MYTH: Zombies are mindless killing machines. You know what I mean. In the movies or whatever, the zombies just stagger around going, “Unnh, unnh. Braaaains.” And all they're interested in is killing and eating humans. Boooring. First of all, not only can I talk just like any norm, I'm writing my memoirs. How many horror-movie zombies even know how to use a laptop, huh? Second, I've got way better things to do than hunt down humans. I mean, if I had a choice between getting my nails done and killing some norm, I'd be at the nail salon. No contest.
2. MYTH: Zombies have an insatiable appetite for brains. Please. If you tried to serve me brains, raw or cooked, I'd barf. I mean, wouldn't you? What makes the norms think that dying and coming back to life causes people to crave gray matter as a snack? That's just stupid. Zombies do have pretty big appetites, but we can eat whatever we want. The best part is I can eat anything and not gain an ounce. Hello, junk food! (Okay, there is that blood lust thing—zombies do get this craving for living flesh when they catch a whiff of human blood. But when that happens, they'll chow down on any body part. It doesn't have to be brains.)
3. MYTH: Fire destroys zombies. Uh, no. I like the way Vicky (who's this really awesome shapeshifting demonslayer who used to let me be her apprentice) puts it in Hellforged: “A zombie could fall off a building, walk through a raging fire, be riddled with bullets, chug a gallon of drain cleaner, and then go out for pizza.” (Mmm, pizza.) Just get it into your heads, people: We're hard to kill. And we're really strong, too. So don't you think learning to live with us sounds like a good idea?
4. MYTH: Zombies have no fashion sense. This one makes me sooooooooo mad. Norms just assume that once you've climbed out of the grave you lose all interest in your appearance. I mean, like, why would they even think that? Yes, reanimation makes us look different. Our skin is kinda spongy, with this gray-green color, and the parts of our eyes that used to be white are blood-red. But we can work with that. And I still love all the same kinds of cute clothes I did before the plague. Sure, you'll find some zombies who don't care about what they're wearing, but can you honestly say that every norm you know is some kind of fashionista? Didn't think so.
I'm sure there are tons of other myths about zombies, but those are the four that bug me the most. The next time you're blasting zombies in a video game or cheering for some clueless norm to slaughter zombies in a movie, just remember that zombies are people, too.
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To catch up with Tina keep an eye out for Deadtown by Nancy Holzner and the new release in the series: Hellforged which will be reviewed shortly.
To get those juices sluising here's the synopsis:
They call it Deadtown: the city’s quarantined section for its inhuman and undead residents. Most humans stay far from its borders — but Victory Vaughn, Boston’s only professional demon slayer, isn’t exactly human…
After Vicky banished her demon nemesis to the fiery depths of Hell, she thought life would return to normal. But considering she has a werewolf lawyer boyfriend, a zombie apprentice who’s angling to become a pop star, and an eccentric vampire roommate, what is normal, anyway?
Then the supposedly banished Hellion starts to trespass in Vicky’s dreams—just as several of Deadtown’s zombies are viciously attacked and become really dead. When Vicky realizes she’s the only connection between the victims, she suspects that the demon is somehow working through her dreams to become Deadtown’s living nightmare.
What she doesn’t know is that her old enemy brings with it a force more terrifying—and deadly—than anything she’s battled before.